It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Starbucks has prematurely brought out everything that could possibly taste like gingerbread, and ice has formed on every hill, creating the chance for hilarious life-threatening falls. But most exciting is the Student Association electing its president.

Probably the first question that hits voters when trying to figure out whom to vote for is, “Wait, there’s an election going on?”

Yes, there is. And today is your last day to vote.

But I get it. Pulling yourself away from that Tumblr of cats with glasses, or pigs with sunglasses, or pretty much any animal with ocular devices is difficult. I can help. I’ve researched the candidates so you don’t have to. Get ready, because this less-masculine Rachel Maddow is about to drop some superficial political commentary.

The candidates for president of SA are Ivan Rosales, Boris Gresely and Duane Ford.

Judging solely by their names, Duane and Boris already seem to be lagging behind. For instance, if President Rosales ends up doing a poor job as president, I can go for the easy world history joke and say, “More like Ivan the Terrible, am I right?” — all to the raucous groans of everyone close by.

It’s great because it saves me from researching who Russian politician Boris Yeltsin actually is, or trying to make strained sports references related to Dwyane Wade.

The next step in my research process was actually seeing what each of them looked like. And lo and behold, each of them looks exactly like what I expect from a leader: They all own suits and have the jawline of a president, or at the very least a Romney.

So really no distinction there. But now we move into the most important part of addressing who will be the most effective SA president with all the power invested into this position.

No, not their policies. I’m talking about their cheap publicity stunts.

Boris started out strong. I was greeted in my dorm bathroom with stickers on the stall doors advertising the “Boris and Daniela” campaign. I’m sure every person who had a rough night at the frats and/or Taco Bell saw them, instantly instilling in them the desire to get involved in student government.

Ivan’s campaign took a less subliminal approach. As I walked through the dining hall one day, an aggressive woman yelled, “Vote for Ivan!” in my general direction. Being about as skittish as a cat forced to wear glasses for some cruel Tumblr photographer, I instantly felt like I needed to vote her way or get beat up for my lunch swipes.

I’ve yet to encounter any poop stickers or yelling women related to Duane’s campaign. But maybe that’s the biggest gimmick of them all in not giving me a gimmick to be snarky about.
Pretty crafty, possible President Ford.

But none of them seem to match my priorities right now. Like, investigating who in the Ernie Davis dining hall is putting a singular stringy hair into every one of my sandwiches, or cutting down that smelly tree by the Hall of Languages. You know, the one that smells like the perfect storm of feet and death.

So, who do I think should win? Cue the drum roll. I’ll probably vote for Ivan. Not only for the jokes that could be made and fear of his hired lady goons, but also because he genuinely seems to want to listen to the students and our complaints.

Sadly for him, I am a man with a lot of complaints. The first thing I’d like him to fix is the cold weather. Hop to it, bud.

Christian Unkenholz is a sophomore public relations and political science major. He can be found on the ground, covered in his recently-bought gingerbread latte, on the hill between Booth and Dellplain slowly sliding on the ice. His column appears every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at cdunkenh@syr.edu.

Published on November 14, 2013 at 12:11 am