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I know this is supposed to be a column for laughs, giggles and chuckles, but this is a big deal. Syracuse University, and specifically our fearless leader Kent Syverud, or as I know him: Kent, K-Dog, Special K, Ladies and Kentlemen or 50 Kent … has made a groundbreaking new announcement.

We have gotten the answer to the question that we’ve repeatedly asked: “Hey Kent, will there be wellness days this semester? You know, days where students can take a break from all the work that somehow keeps piling up? Or a break from trying to put all their focus into the study of rocks when there’s an endless pandemic, or walking to Falk when there’s 4 inches of snow on the ground and I forgot my Timbs at home?”

And guess what my fellow Oranges … is that what we refer to each other as? Whatever. Guess what students of Syracuse: Kent said “Bet, I got y’all,” (actual quote). Syracuse University will be inputting one (1) wellness day this semester. It will be on Saturday, Feb. 26.

Isn’t this awesome? We finally get a day with no classes! When I asked Kent — we text all the time — if this was going to also mean there wouldn’t be assignments, he responded with “lol.” God, isn’t he so cool and hip?

At least I don’t have to spend the night thinking about how little I know about the classes I’m taking. I can’t keep pretending I know about the nervous system. Except for the fact that I am a nervous system.

As I have done, and will continue to do as long as I live — or maintain this column, whichever comes first — I am here to give reassurance and advice to students. I’m like Dr. Phil if he wasn’t bald and instead had crippling anxiety.

I decided to walk through Food.com to ask students how they felt about this wellness day and see if they were as excited as I was. My first subject was named Broon. Wait, that can’t be right. Maybe it was Brian. God, I wish I could read my own handwriting. Anyway, Broon said, “It’s unfair that we already have off that day. We clearly need a real break.” Hey Broon, ever heard of killing two birds with one stone? Next.

The next student, Jordan, had a similar opinion to Broon, saying “What’s the point of it being on a Saturday?” Well, Saturdays are for the boys. Everyone knows this. I’m sorry for using these students’ names, but they should know that I’m really putting them in their place here.

Many other students declined to comment. Probably because of how badly I sent the other two into oblivion with my witty quips and intellectual vocabulary during our conversations. But one last student agreed to comment. Good thing I still had that $5 bill I found.

This student requested to be anonymous. But they gave what I think is the perfect quote. They said, “So we have a wellness day, on a day we already have off, so that the school can say they gave us one even though they didn’t?” Yes! We have a wellness day! We did it! SU really does care about its students!

That’s what this school is all about: efficiency. We work smart, not hard. We play an average 2-3 defense and disguise it as an impenetrable 1-3-1. We have WiFi that doesn’t work so we have to memorize all of our notes. But now, we will have wellness days, just like the students asked for.

If you find yourself stressed or anxious, just remember that the school has your back — unless you really need help. In that case, trying your best is all you can do. Worst thing that can happen is you can’t graduate because MySlice won’t load, so you can’t get your diploma and have to spend more time in Syracuse. But come on, look outside, who doesn’t want to be here right now?

Published on February 9, 2022 at 12:45 am