Cough once if you’ve woken up looking like a panda after getting a solid hour of sleep in the last few days. Cough two times if you’ve slathered dollops of cheese onto a cracker in the last week and called it dinner. Cough three times if you’ve watched someone leave the bathroom with their hands unwashed. You can take a minute to say a prayer for such a person as well. Now retrace your steps to see what you coughed on, and voila, you’ve probably managed to start a respiratory infection epidemic.

The SU campus has seen a hike in the reports of respiratory infections — the common cold and cough — and recently, a stomach bug was added to that list as well. Considering the weather has been as erratic as the average GPA and the average GPA is currently under duress, it is fairly easy to see why this is occurring. I ate that apple a day, and went to a public health professor to find out other easy ways to stay healthy:

1. Follow MyPlate recommendations
Instead of scooping a big pan’s worth of lo mein onto that colorful plate, next time, have a little fun filling in those little boxes with what they ask for. After all, the lo mein is a hit-or-miss anyway.

2. Consume nutrients in whole form
Here I thought I was fit as a fiddle just drinking juice everyday. Consume fruits instead of juice and food instead of pills, so you can prevent yourself from aging rapidly and blurting out things like “fit as a fiddle.”

3. Downgrade that megadose
While it feels healthy to get all your multivitamins into your system, make sure it’s only adequate amounts, instead of an overenthusiastic bunch in your palm.

4. Whole grains vs. processed grains
It’s a challenge stepping away from flour considering everything is made of flour. But master your senses and steer toward the whole grain – a mighty source of fiber.

5. Aim for low-fat dairy
I believe the unfailing cardboard taste of Greek yogurt is a sign of extreme nutrient superiority.

6. Stress-relief
Do whatever makes you feel light and healthy — yoga, exercise, being with friends, or all of the above simultaneously.

7. Zzzzz
I’m happy you’re reading this and all, but if your eyelids haven’t closed for at least 6-8, preferably 7-8, hours straight, I’d really rather you set an alarm to finish reading this later and go to sleep right now. Lack of sleep can lead to an increased susceptibility to colds.

8. #SaveLivers2016
This translates to, “try not to use every Friday, Saturday and Sunday as recipes to become alcohol in human form.”

9. Cough correctly
May you cough in such a way that your elbow receives the brunt of the blow and your palm never has to decorate itself with germs. Also, never, ever, cough into the wind: the air will send your sneeze to those who cannot block their nostrils fast enough.

10. Good personal hygiene
Possibly the no-brainiest no-brainer ever. Keep your dishes and utensils to yourself and invest in some disposables (this prevents dish-washing as an added bonus). Carry that pocket-sized sanitizer so your hands smell as germ-free as they look. Finally, never be that person who leaves a washroom straight from the stall with no hand-washing in between. I’ll judge you for all eternity.

As a finishing touch, turn your backpack into a preventative pharmacy with the following ingredients: a portable water bottle, durable fruit like apples and the a bag of dried fruit and nuts. Those little things hold more strength than the human mind can fathom. With this secret grocery store, you’re all set to unleash a formidable nutrient-monster on this challenging April.

Published on April 10, 2016 at 1:17 pm